“My Saturn has returned.” What exactly does that mean? Acccording to Wikipedia a “Saturn Return’ is “a significant time of transition and personal growth, which brings with it an assessment from the universe of whether you’re living up to your potential and living your life authentically.” I can relate to that.
Although I don’t listen to much pop or country radio in general, I’ve been a Kasey Musgraves fan for a while. She first crossed my radar when I was visiting my mother, and we watched some sort of awards special filmed in 2019 honoring Dolly Parton. On the broadcast Kasey Musgraves teamed up with pal Katy Perry to do a duet of Dolly’s “Here You Come Again.” Now I was familiar with Katy Perry, who although I am not necessarily a fan of, I think has released some fun music. But I didn’t know who Kasey Musgraves was at all. Well, as the performance started, I was gob smacked at the natural talent and beauty of Kasey, especially in comparison to Katy Parry. I’m not trying to be critical of Perry in the slightest, but during the performance I noticed how she seemed to push everything, from her vocals to her posturing, and how she depended a lot on “peacocking” with her outlandish outfit and frantic stage presence. But Kasey breezed calmly through the number with poise and grace, and just made it all look so easy and natural. By the end of the number I was already on the internet to find out who Kasey Musgraves was. By the end of the week I owned a number of her albums on vinyl, and I’ve been a fan ever since.
In a lot of ways Kasey Musgraves’ music matched my personal sensibilities. Modern country music seems to be full of messages about patriotism, passive Christianity and “being country.” This isn’t my speed. I find it dull and ridiculous. Although popular on the country music scene, Kasey’s point of view on life seemed to be far more liberal leaning than her contemporaries, as she covered topics ranging from dysfunctionality, recreational drug use and alternative sexuality, and she seemed to have a rebellious streak of sorts, as if she really didn’t give much of a damn about appeasing the traditional country establishment. Maybe it was all that weed that she was reported to be smoking. I don’t know, but she seemed to be able to write, record, perform and maintain her popularity with the public without doing little more than showing up and being her true self.
In February 2024, when Kasey dropped the first single for her upcoming album, which was the title track for “Deeper Well,” I already had her on my social media feeds and I heard it almost immediatly. To be completely honest, she is the only country artist in the industry today that I’d been following. Well, at that point in my life I was in a very odd place. I seemed to be sleepwalking through life, but “Deeper Well” helped me wake up again.
When “Deeper Well” was released, it had been six months since I had literally torn down the core foundations of my existence to start a new life. Tearing down and rebuilding has been a constant pattern in my life, and I’ve restarted a few times before. But this time it was very different, and I had never torn the walls down so completely. After a number of hard years filled with small wins but bigger losses, things had gotten to a point where the compromises I needed to make for basic survival seemed to be too great, and although I continued to carry on the best I could, it seemed like every door in my life was being suddenly shut. I was hardly living, and it was taking a toll on my physical and emotional health. I began to get angry, paranoid and the self confidence and bravado which had always been the key to my breing had dissipated. I was a shadow of my former self, and I didn’t know how to get myself back.
With my spouse and I living in different cities, it seemed like the only option I had left was to pack up my things and leave the only world I ever knew. Now I know leaving one’s hometown is a thing most people do in their life, but I had never honestly done that. I was raised, educated and forged a career in my hometown, and it was all I ever really knew. A big part of my identity seemed to be tied into being part of that community. Sure, I had travelled a bit, and freelanced in other cities and knew there was a world outside of my hometown, but now as a middle aged man who had lived half of his life as a “lone wolf” in his well established territory, home might have not been bringing me happiness, but at least it was familiar. I cannot express the fear I had in tearing down that comfort and starting a brand new life of anonymity and domesticity in a city where I didn’t know anyone and that I was completely unestablished. However, I didn’t seem to have any other viable options, and it seemed like this was the direction life was pointing me in.
I moved to Nepean, which is a part of Ottawa, in September 2023 and for the first four months I was literally in shock. I spent my time moving in, making a home for myself and Griz and trying to learn the new transit system. Naturally I explored the city by finding different record shops (still today, the geography of Ottawa is basically mapped out based on record store locations). But when I got to February, which is traditionally the bleakest month in the Canadian year, I found myself in a funk. I don’t think I was depressed as much as I was in a sort of limbo. I still didn’t really know where I was, was struggling with anonymity, and panicing about my lack of direction. I felt regret and guilt over people I chose to abandon when I left home, and I felt a great deal of resentment for the things that didn’t work out in the way I had wanted them to. I spent most days on the couch “doom scrolling” through my phone for houras and questioning the value of my existence.
And then I found a “Deeper Well.”
“Deeper Well” is a song about personal evolution, accepting change and, most of all, self-care. It is a song about quitting the people and the things that are holding you back and preventing you from finding happiness and being your authentic self. Having chosen to break numerous friendships and associations upon my relocation, the song seemed to speak directly to me and helped me reflect on the “guilt” that was eating me:
“So I’m sayin’ goodbye to the people
That I feel are real good at wastin’ my time
No regrets, baby, I just think that maybe
You go your way and I’ll go mine
It’s been a real good time
But you got dark energy, somethin’ I can’t unsee
And I’ve got to take care of myself
I found a deeper well.”
These lines had a big impact on me. I’m not saying that everyone I left behind was bad for me, and I honestly found maintaining my close relationships to be very easy after I left. But to break certain associations that were a burden on my life, distancing myself from social obligations which had me walking on eggshells and breaking off a few friendships I no longer wanted wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. I began to understand how social toxicity is an energy drain, and the distance I now had provided me the ability to free myself from associations I just didn’t want anymore. I was free to keep the good people I wanted and clean the trenches of the ones that were a time waster. There was no need for anger or turmoil or guilt. No reason for finger pointing or blame. Distance was providing me that physical and emotional freedom.
But it was more than just human relationships. “Deeper Well” got me to understand that this time I was given was also a space to finally allow myself to do more than patch up my life. It was a time to do a proper repair job on my psyche:
“I’ve gotten older now, I know
How to take care of myself
I found a deeper well….”
“The things I was taught only took me so far
Had to figure the rest out myself
And then I found
I found a deeper well.”
Look. Life isn’t always a straight path, and there are always bumps in the roads. We need to be ready for that. But, after a certain amount of time living our life, we need to get to a point where we have the wisdom and strength to be able to handle those upsets with wisdom and grace and know how to make good life choices. No matter how difficult it might seem, we need to be able to make the decision to live a healthy life, because no matter how much support you might or might not have, as an adult only you are ultimately responsible for your own well being. Self-care is as important as taking care of others.
What is it about self-care which is so difficult? Perhaps its because we are taught that taking care of your personal needs is selfish. We are taught that putting others before ourselves is the proper thing to do, but this sentiment can turn into an obligation instead of compassion and, eventually, outward expectations can make your sense of self worth unravel. Truth is, if we can’t take care of ourselves, then how are we able to take care of the people around us? “Deeper Well” is truly a song about taking that time to get really quiet, enjoy the moment you’ve been given, and to stop clinging onto the vices and the obligations that drag you down. Once I began to think about the moment I was living, with little obligations, commitments and an anonymity which would allow me to reset my own narrative, I began to see my current situation as a gift. Leaving my community wasn’t a retreat or self exile. It was a moment to recharge, heal and reestablish who I really and truly was.
Changing the trajectory of your entire life is difficult. I look back to a year ago and I’m not sure what I thought I wanted from life. Some people find satisfaction in being a “big fish” in a “small pond” and finding safety in their own mediocrity.. But when “the architect” pointed to a “deeper well,” despite initial resistance, I am so glad I took that leap of faith and left everything I knew behind. It has been a dramatic journey, but it’s been a happy one. Of course, that journey never ends, and my life continues to evolve and what is true today may be completely different a year from now. I know I still have a longing in my heart for something more. I still seem to yearn for some elements of my past, and time will tell if I can reestablish myself in my new surroundings. I haven’t figured that part out yet, and that’s okay. But I know that I’m not going to just lay around placating the people and habits that are real good at wasting my time. When I find myself doing that all I have to do is replay that Kasey Musgrave album and remember the important things in life – music, individuality, emotional strength and love.
